At first glance, dating someone during the holidays seems ideal. But factor in different faiths, family issues and wildly different expectations, and it may be hard for a new romance to last beyond the new year. Here, five of the trickiest holiday situations New Yorkers face — and how to solve them.
You practice different faiths
This is a case where communication is key, says Donna Barnes, a Manhattan dating coach and author of "Giving Up Junk Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices."
"If you've only been dating a few weeks, you may want to do your own things for the holidays," she advises. "But if one of you invites the other to attend a service, and the other wants to attend, ask as many questions as possible." What are guests expected to do during the service? What will people be wearing? Another tip: Figure out what to wear by asking them what their sibling would wear to the service, which gives you a better sense of how to dress than a "whatever you want" answer would.
Your partner has no plans for the holidays
Barnes warns against inviting your new significant other to spend the holidays with you and your family — unless you're sure it's serious. "I once invited a man I just started dating to my family's house, just because he had nowhere else to go and I didn't want him to be lonely," she recalls. "He thought that I was much more invested in the relationship than I was, which made things awkward in the subsequent weeks. And after we broke up, I had to deal with my family asking about him for years."
One of you gave a gift
"Gift giving can be extremely awkward in the early stages of dating," warns Julie Melillo, a Manhattan life coach. "If you haven't had the exclusivity conversation, remember that you're both technically single, and neither of you are obligated."
That said, if you do end up receiving a surprise present from the person you're casually dating, a sincere thank you is a must, but there's no need to give one of your own if you don't feel like it. If you do, however, be honest — tell him or her you hadn't known you were exchanging gifts, but that you'd love to get them one, too. It's much better than pulling a random bottle of wine or discarded candle from your closet and passing it off as a present.
Your new date is a holiday grinch
One person's "most wonderful time of the year" is another person's "Wake me up when it's Jan. 1." If there's a clear enthusiasm mismatch, it doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. "Look for something you both can agree on," says Melillo. "Maybe his love of liquor is larger than his hatred of the holidays, and he's happy to be your party plus-one, or maybe she's happy to do whatever as long as you take the lead." Failing that, you may need to do activities separately, and decide whether their refusal of indulging in holiday cheer is a deal breaker.
People are asking if you're together
Heading to holiday parties and being seen as a couple can definitely accelerate your relationship. It may mean, however, accelerating the need to have "the talk," warns Melillo. You don't necessarily have to board the fast train to relationship town, but you might have to say that although you love spending time with them, you want to take it slow and would prefer to keep your connection casual and not introduce each other as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" at parties. Knowing this as you hit the holiday party circuit will take the pressure off both of you.
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