Hey Teresa Giudice: Make Prison Your Bitch With Some Help From ‘Orange Is The New Black’

January 6, 2015 // 8:00am

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Real Housewives of New Jersey star and tax evader Teresa Giudice began her 15-month prison sentence yesterday morning at the Danbury facility made famous by popular Netflix series Orange Is the New Black. Over the course of two seasons, audiences have learned plenty about how incarcerated women pass the time and have even come away with some nifty how-tos that could certainly come in handy for the Jersey gal who's used to the crème de la crème of suburban living. Here are a few lessons learned from OITNB Teresa Giudice should keep in mind these next fifteen months.

1

You can get high by eating copious amounts of nutmeg

Teresa could very well be assigned kitchen duty where she'll have access to all sorts of goodies, including nutmeg. When the power went out at Litchfield in Season Two, the former meth heads showed us their backwoods skills by stealing a container of nutmeg and having one hell of a party all to themselves. We're not sure exactly how much they ingested, but two handfuls seems to do the trick (but you didn't hear it from us). [Where to stream "It Was the Change"]

2

You can make a lighter out of a gum wrapper

Don't get caught smoking Teresa, but if you need to fulfill a vice without running the risk of contraband, roll up a Wrigley's wrapper and you're good to go. [Where to stream "Appropriately Sized Pots"]

3

Maxi pads come in handy when cleaning

First things first. We realize this aspect of "cleaning" might be a foreign concept to Mrs. Giudice so here's the official definiton of the verb clean according to Merrian-Webster's:

clean /klēn/ (v): make (something or someone) free of dirt, marks, or mess, especially by washing, wiping, or brushing.

Now that we have that covered, the ladies of Litchfield prison are pros at putting their feminine hygiene products to work all month long by insulating, decorating, and yes, wiping up messes with maxi pads and panty liners — most notably when your bunkie neighbor decides to pee in your general area. [Where to stream "Lesbian Request Denied"]

4

Yoga is a great way to pass the time

Piper Kerman, author of the memoir the series is based on, discusses at length how yoga saved her sanity while serving her sentence. In both the memoir and the show, Yoga Jones (played by Constance Shulman) is an angel of sorts to the ladies who are suffering from bouts of cabin fever and are desperate to stay in shape. Teresa, we know how much you care about your appearances and yoga will take care of both the body and the mind. [Where to stream "The Chickening"]

5

If you see a chicken on the grounds, DON'T tell anyone about it

While you're in prison, you'll have some periods of downtime that are perfect for reading, self-reflection, and bird-watching. That said, if you happen to see a chicken stalking the grounds, you might want to keep it to yourself. Piper thinks nothing of the chicken she sees in Season 1, until she discovers that all Red (Kate Mulgrew) wants to do is eat it. What follows is totally bonkers drama worthy of a Real Housewives episode. [Where to stream "The Chickening"]

6

Instant coffee becomes instant smokey eye makeup

One of the true trials of being in the slammer is that you don't have access to a professional hair and make up team, but that doesn't mean that Teresa has to look anything less than glamourous. Thanks to the wisdom of Morello (Yael Stone), we now know that adding a bit of water to instant coffee equals eyeshadow. [Where to stream "Comic Sans"]

7

Hide your prison wine in the library ceiling

Teresa Giudice might be best known as both a reality star and a felon, but she's also the proprietor of Fabellini, a line of bellini cocktails. Since you can't procure real liquor at the commissary, may we suggest that Teresa makes a little side dough by making Fabooch? That's fabulous "hooch." She can hide it in the ceiling like Poussay (Samira Washington) does. [Where to stream "Little Mustachioed Shit"]

8

Never complain about the food

Even if she is a culinary expert who has published cookbooks, Teresa should keep her opinions about the prison food to herself. If we learned anything from Piper's first day in prison, it's that one bad word could result in a tampon sandwich. [Where to stream "I Wasn't Ready"]

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