7 island retreats to visit this winter

So teenyboppers continue to swoon over the Islamic State as if that little circle-y thing on their black flag is Justin Bieber's face.

Come on, man! It's Jihadi John, not Jihadi Jonas.

Whatever. ISIS, schmISIS — it's time to get your shiz together and join god's true army: the Island-ic State. Radical when it comes to roti, fanatical when it comes to flip-flops, zealous when it comes to Z's caught in whichever hammock will have you, the Caribbean is a cali-phat, dear brothers and sisters.

Here, 7 reasons you should convert to Sunny-ism this winter and declare spree-hād in the friendly neighborhood tropics (where the only thing you'll be cutting open are ooey, gooey coconuts). Resplendent or die!

Gansevoort Dominican Republic, Playa Imbert

G-voort has dipped a second toe in the Caribbean with its shiny new, 48-room Playa Imbert, swinging open its doors Dec. 15. Trying to bring luxe-lifestylin' to wild-child Puerta Plata may be a fool's errand, but they're giving it the old college try from its one-bedroom suites up to its four-bedroom penthouses, a three-tiered cascading, infinity pool, haute cuisine, a "world-class" day spa and ocean views a-gogo. Come to GPI for perks like floor-to-ceiling windows, tech-happy kitchens, walk-in showers, custom tubs and natural stone finishes, stay for the crescent-curved beach.

The BodyHoliday, St. Lucia

Putting aside that Ebola you caught sitting next to a snotting, sneezing bloke on your last transatlantic flight, travel can actually be good for you. So-called wellness travel is more than just wishful thinking, and it doesn't have to suck. Here, you get customizable getaways like spinning in a glass treehouse and, better yet, spa treatments. This fall and early 2015, The BodyHoliday is launching a BodyScience program, which combines cutting-edge scientific testing (DNA samples) and preventative Eastern practices ('sup on-site Ayurvedic doctor). Also, a Quadrathlon challenge: a 50-minute bike ride along St. Lucia's coast + a 15-minute hill climb + a 100-foot rappel + swimming + a 2½-mile kayak trip. Get turnt up: Octoba Yoga runs through Nov. 2.

Hotel El Convento, Puerto Rico

Ain't no party like a nunnery party. Some Tri-Delts for Jesus were members of a 360-year-old Carmelite convent in San Juan, which is now the oldest of the Historic Hotels of America. This fall, Hotel El Convento is urging guests to travel back to those good ol' days with their "Glimpse Into The Past" package, offering up to $100 in savings for parking, dining and "activities." Make the most of those scare quotes.

Hyatt Regency Aruba

**BREAKING** Auntie Anne's spawned an outpost in Aruba's Reina Beatrix Airport in July! But pretzels in paradise are just the first of many twisted fantasies that await you in the ABC island's sole vowel. The Hyatt Regency Aruba's Sunshine on Sale promo, based on a five-night minimum stay, gives you said fifth night free. Currently, the Spanish fly resort is chic-ifying its rooms with new décor, aiming at those "with panache taste." No sprechen Sie panache? A lively pool, bar and casino scene is here, as well.

Gansevoort Turks & Caicos

The OG Gansevoort in the islands is ringing in five years of sleeky chicness on Provo's Grace Bay next month by participating in the 4th Annual Caribbean Food & Wine Festival. Onsite resto Stelle will join in all the fun as part of the Gourmet Safari dine-around.

Rendezvous, Saint Lucia

Let's face it: Marriage needs all the help it can get. But skipzo the couples therapy and hit up shy and idyllic Rendezvous instead. Its "Ever After" Wedding Collection promises to transform "over-the-top wedding fantasies into reality," with an assist from its 2-mile stretch of bone-white beach and 7 acres of tropical gardens. Except "beautifully themed wedding concepts," like Exotic Oasis, Island Romance, Elope, Romance in Bloom, and Romance by the Sea. If that doesn't keep you parting till death, nothing will.

Doubletree Hilton San Juan, Puerto Rico

Maybe all the Dub Trees you've come across stateside were little more than hooker hotels with bellhops. Not this guy — here in San Juan, they aim for a more mellow, upscale vibe. Helping the cause this fall is the recently opened, Tibetan monk-inspired Yelo Spa, whose "Pampered in Paradise" program includes manicures, pedicures, 30-minute (legit) rub downs and (legit) facials.

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